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• Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
• A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
• Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
• "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
• Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 14. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh

• A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."



• "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



• He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.



• He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



• He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror



• One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb....



• A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!



• A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time . . . and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.